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Starbucks Released A New Holiday Cup. Everybody Panic!

The marketing team for Starbucks are a bunch of geniuses. Frightening geniuses. They somehow knew that every time they released a new holiday cup, the resulting inexplicable controversy would generate free publicity (just like I’m giving them right now)!

All they had to do was release a non-denominational, inoffensive holiday cup one year, sit back, and watch the anger-dollars roll in. Somehow these cheap cardboard vessels designed to hold hot liquids have an unearthly power to turn friends and families against each other.

In 2015 and 2016, the “War on Christmas” folks were offended by the Starbucks cups that weren’t aggressively Christian. Sure, the cups were red and green, but they only promoted “unity,” instead of something solidly Christian, like a picture of a bloody Jesus. The leaked images of cups this year seem pretty Christmasy, with drawings of Christmas trees and presents.

So now one of two things will happen: there will be controversy over the cups not being Christmasy enough, or there will be insufferable gloating about how the cups are going to melt all the “PC” snowflakes. Prepare for your Facebook feed to be filled with hot takes, such as, “Christmas isn’t about pagan godless communist TREES it’s about CHRIST! Love, your Auntie,” or your cousin writing about how he can’t wait for the flow of “politically correct snowflake tears” over this cup. Happy holidays, everyone!

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